David Letterman Tree Planting Report

By Helen Read

Part I

My David Letterman Tulip Poplar arrived on my doorstep on Saturday, September 22, 2001. Actually, it probably came the day before, but I got home in the dark, came in through the garage, and didn't find the package on my porch until I got up in the morning. I hope that my delighted cries of "It's my tree! It's my tree!" didn't wake the neighbors...ah, screw 'em :-).

The package struck me as a little odd. I'm not sure how I was expecting the tree to arrive, but there it was, a living thing all sealed up in a cardboard box. I immediately ripped open the box, pulled the tree out of a plastic tube, unwrapped the pot, removed a sponge that was covering the soil, and stood the tree up to look at. The tree was about 3 feet high. Atop a pencil thin trunk were seven leaves, each approximately the size of the palm of my hand. The leaves had a very cool shape, one that was completely unfamiliar to me. I've never seen tulip poplars up here in northern Vermont, which is a bit worrisome. More about that in a moment.

After examining the tree and the plastic tube (which had a wooden stake attached to it), I looked through the rest of the package's contents, which included a Famous and Historic Trees catalog, a Certificate of Authenticity for my tree, a fertilizer tablet, a piece of "bird safety netting" for the top of the tube, and detailed planting instructions. Apparently I had already done Step 1 in the instructions: take the tree out of all the wrappings and stand it up. Well, duh :-).

After moving the tree to my back deck and watering it, I put in a call to my parents, who recently moved to Vermont and own digging tools. They could come up to the house in the afternoon, bringing gardening tools, food, and their cute little dog Magic. Fabulous.

Next I e-mailed Traci, whom you may know as AFL's Pie Baking Bitch-Goddess, but who is also a skilled horticulturalist in real life. Though the Famous and Historic Trees catalog claims that their tulip poplars will grow between zones 3 and 10 (I'm just about on the boundary between zone 4 and 3, according to the map in the catalog), I have never seen them here, and have read elsewhere that northern Vermont is beyond this tree's range. So I needed some planting advice and moral support from Traci.

Later on, Traci and I had a nice, long talk on the phone. We talked about the tree, about Dave, the AFL, some other stuff. Traci got to experience my crappy phone service firsthand. We were disconnected several times during the course of the conversation, and kept getting each other's voicemail when we tried to call back simultaneously. Twice when I tried to call back after being cut off I got no dial tone, just a screeching noise (and I think we all know how painful that can be).

Anyway, the tree! Where should I plant it? Given that I'm at the extreme of this tree's range, should I try to shelter it from the wind, or should I try to maximize sunlight? Traci was concerned about the wind, but the only real shelter to be found is in my back yard, which is mostly taken up by the septic mound and a buried propane tank with a line running to the house. Well, I just don't need tree roots getting into that stuff, so that pretty much leaves the front yard. The front definitely catches the wind, but on the other hand gets plenty of sunlight, and the plastic greenhouse tube that came with the tree should trap warmth and help protect the tree from the wind until it gets large enough to stand on its own. Traci says that Indianapolis gets cold enough--not Vermont cold, mind you, but cold enough--that the tree should, hopefully, with a little help from that plastic tube, be okay here. Besides, we all know that the David Letterman Tulip Poplar has the strength of ten trees. It will laugh in the face of a Vermont winter.

All right, let's plant!

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